Skip to content

Friends – Is making mummy friends worse than dating?

Since becoming a Mum, there’s one thing that has really bothered me. Making Mummy friends… Why does it feel like you’ve been plunged back into the dating scene?

Once upon a time, I would go out, meet new people and it felt reasonably easy and enjoyable. You’d have a chat, a drink, a laugh! BUT… being a Mum and meeting other Mums, it’s none of those things. I would go as far as to say it’s even harder than actually dating!

So, when I was pregnant with my son, none of my friends had kids, so I really had no one to talk to. As most mums do these days, I joined pregnancy apps, MumsNet, NetMums etc. You name it, I joined it to avoid feeling alone in what was supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life.

These apps took over my life! I asked questions, I gave advice, we chatted about everything and I was feeling good about this whole Mum thing! After chatting to a few people and forming some close online friendship groups, we decided to meet up. A bunch of women excited about the little bundles of joy we were all waiting for!

Once our babies were born, a lot of these friendships changed. Mainly down to having a new human to look after and the fact that actually, in reality, you didn’t have that much in common to start with. When that reality kicked in, slight panic set in and so it was on to the next step… baby classes and playgroups.

These were a bit better than the whole internet thing. Face to face, it’s easier to meet someone you actually like and get on with and the biggest bonus is that these people are usually really local to you. At least, I *thought* it was easier…

 

mum-meets - friends
Mum friends meeting in the park

On so many occasions I’ve met other mums and we’ve got on really well and thought, I’d really like to be friends with her. I mean, I must have the worst friendship sense ever! You text saying how lovely it was to meet them and when are they available to meet next… silence. Uh oh… Did I do something wrong? Did I say the wrong thing?

I have to be honest, I never thought that once I was married with a child that I would be wondering, do I text? Do I not? Has she seen my messages? Am I trying too hard? Do I send another message in case the first once didn’t get through? When should I stop texting? I feel like I’m losing the plot! This has happened a fair few times to me and has really taken a toll on my confidence. These days I find small talk very difficult, I worry I’m saying or doing the wrong things. I feel so unbelievably socially awkward and I wish I could change this as it’s really affected how I am with people.

I’m sure I cant be the only mum that feels like this! As someone who spent most nights of the week meeting new people at PR events and being totally at ease with conversation, these days I feel like a bit of a recluse with nothing interesting to say. I don’t feel like I fit within any ‘group’ within the school playground or anywhere else I go, for that matter. Although, as a whole, I’m okay with that, there are times that it does get me down that I don’t have that group of girlfriends like others do.

I’m aware this post might make me more unpopular, but I think it’s important to highlight how ‘cliquey’ the Mum scene really is. Seeing someone for all of a few minutes at school drop off is not enough time to decide if they are a good/ bad person or ‘your’ kind of person. People should stop judging people on what they look like first thing in the morning and lets be fair, who hasn’t had a mad dash day to school and looked like a total mess and has possibly been so flustered they seem like a total bitch.

All I ask is that people give others a chance. Say hello, smile and don’t be ignorant. It costs nothing to be polite and you know what, you could meet someone that is really genuine and becomes one of your best friends. It doesn’t matter who has the biggest house or who makes the most money… We are mums and it’s difficult for us all. We should have total respect for each other’s situations and be supportive.

 

Published inBloggingFamilyLife

28 Comments

  1. Natalie Natalie

    Totally agree! !!

  2. Love this, I think women can sadly be cliquey, maybe not always intentionally so but it’s something I’ve experienced myself and felt isolated from it, be it during high school days to post baby days and beyond. The great thing is though, that when I see that kind of ‘you can’t sit with us’ style of behaviour, it signals immediately that those people are just not for me. All my close friends from my work as a director to my life blogging, are incredible women (and men), they’re open, kind, clever and kick-ass. I think streamlining your life on and offline will give you more time and energy to focus on those who deserve it. Sometimes when others have hurt us it’s hard to give good eggs a chance (a bit like dating) but it’s cruical you do. I hope this inspires more women to be kinder to one another, especially when they need that kindness the most on maternity leave and at the school gates-emotional times when true friendship or even a smile and ‘hello’ can count for so much x

  3. Must add not all women are cliquey, as I and my friends are testament to!

  4. Suz Suz

    This article really made me think. I’m on maternity leave with baby no 2 and I’ve chatted to a few mums at different groups but i’m never sure if they are interested in meeting again or not. I made two good friends, whilst on maternity leave with baby no 1, that I got chatting to at a baby class and invited them to join my NCT group when we all went for coffee or lunch after a class but this time around I guess I’m a little shyer..maybe because i’d be inviting them to have a coffee with just me rather than a whole host of other ladies. Either way, I’ll try and be a little braver on future occasions…

  5. Thank God someone said it, I ve always thought it s because I am Italian and not English and I don t get , why is it do hard do make mums friends

  6. I find it really tricky too – I just feel like I’ve got nothing much interesting to say! I think at least half of the people on the playground feel totally awkward!

    Found through #brillblogposts

  7. Sarah Sarah

    What a brilliant blog post, Leila, I can totally relate to a lot of what you have said although I am fortunate in that I have made some lovely mummy friends over the years including my bestie, a mum I was so fortunate to cross paths with at school.

  8. Had a chuckle at how true this is, I think most mums have been there! #brilliantblogposts

  9. Yes! Absolutely! I do think the school playground (for mums) is like the school playgrounds of high school days – the cool mums, the loner mums, the fashionista mums, the messy mums. It’s awful. Why can’t we all just get along?

    I run a mums and tots group and I even have some mums who come to my group but totally blank me in the school playground. What’s that all about?? #BrillBlogPosts

  10. I completely relate and agree. Making mum friends is so hard – it’s like being back in high school. I used to dread the school run, waiting by the classroom door and not knowing whether to talk to the other mums – not wanting to interrupt but then feeling like I was a bit of a loner and worrying that other parents thought I was being stuck up – absolute nightmare! #brillblogposts

  11. It’s so hard. It’s funny because we are at a point in our lives when we kind of have our friends made and then, all of a sudden we are have to make more. Reminds me of that episode of Catastrophe with Sharon and her mom friend! #AnythingGoes

  12. Everything you said in this post I have thought/felt for the last 8 years of being a mom. It’s sooo true! I was just telling my husband the other day how hard it is to make mom friends. I was the first in my group of close friends to have kids and am still the only one with kids lol I’d love to make some mom friends but I find it so stressful and like you said, kinda like dating. Happy to have read this post tonight and know I’m not the only one who feels this way!

  13. What is it about the presence of a school that makes people act like this? These mums sound like the self elected popular clique in a high school!
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes 🙂
    Debbie

  14. You’ve spoken at length about mum friends…..imagine what it’s like for us stay at home dads! You don’t use those apps and you have to be very careful about ‘making the first move’ in case someone gets the wronf idea and thinks you’re cracking on to them. You’d also be surprised how often I speak to mums who say “you know, I invite a group of mums round for coffee all the time, but I just wouldn’t think to invite a dad.” It’s tough for all us mums and dads but when it comes to social isolation, us stay at home dads face a few big challenges. #BrilliantBlogPosts

    • swanny swanny

      I’m really glad you commented actually. I have wondered how stay at home Dad’s get on. Do you find it awkward? The first parent I spoke to on my sons first day of school was a Dad. I find guys easier to talk to and less judgmental. It really is a shame that there is such a ‘thing’ around mums and dads mixing. Thanks for the comment. Would love to know more 🙂

  15. I love this, it’s so true! Mummy’s are so quick to blow you off, it’s like an exclusive club that only certain people are allowed in, it’s like living in the film mean girls alot of the time. #stayclassymama

  16. Oh I feel ya! It’s so hard and I have no confidence with it. Am I coming on too strong? It is so like dating! I hope I’m someone who would give someone else a chance. I’m not great at the initial approach. Good luck! Xx
    #stayclassymama

  17. I could have written this myself! I struggle with this too. I’ve met some lovely women, but we have different values/parenting styles which makes it hard to form a deep friendship. Good luck on your quest! #StayClassyMama

  18. Making mummy friends is so hard! I’ve made a few good ones now but I found it really difficult and would hate to have to go through it all again.

    #stayclassymama

  19. I also used to get this a lot – you know, the feeling and pressure that you *have to* make mummy friends, and at first it was so hard! I hadn’t lived in the area for long, but all my friends were scattered all over the place, because I didn’t grow up in the UK, and the people I know were people I had met at work, and none lived around here. It didn’t help that I hardly left the house until my first son was 9 months old. “Do you have mummy friends?”, everyone was asking! I didn’t! But eventually things changed. I know people locally now, but I’ve also learnt that not all people that share something with you (i.e. being a mum who lives locally and is from the same country as you, for example), are enough to define friends! Some people will be people you click with, and others won’t! And I’ve finally stopped caring about the pressure of getting ‘mummy friends’. Great post – I totally agree with you! #BrilliantBlogPosts

  20. I find this at the school yard. To be honest, I’m not sure if it’s just cos I’m on the outskirts and they pick it up I’m sometimes just going through the motions (third child). I am a lot older so I’m sure some of it’s that…

  21. I find this at the school yard. To be honest, I’m not sure if it’s just cos I’m on the outskirts and they pick it up I’m sometimes just going through the motions (third child). I am a lot older so I’m sure some of it’s that…#Stayclassymama

  22. Mom friend hunting is much like dating, lol. I actually met a few moms via an online “mommy group.” There are three ladies I still speak to via text regularly 10 years later. Truth be told I consider them better friends than most of my ‘in real life’ friends. Adulting is a lot of work!
    #stayclassymama

  23. I haven’t even tried to make any mommy friends, partly because I never have enough time and partly because of what you’re describing here. I’ve gone to a few Mommy & Me Yoga classes, but none of the moms really talked to each other before or after classes. Oh well, I guess. #stayclassymama

  24. Generally I’ve not found it too hard, but I miss out on seeing my NCT friends because I’m the only one who works full time and when I’m free at weekends they’re all busy with families. School I know quite a few people already, and have one good friend but there are a few who are in small groups. Not helped by me only doing 1 day a week pick up. But everyone is friendly thought #brillblogposts

  25. I’ve always found making friends difficult, but you’re right I think the mum scene can be the hardest… Maybe because so many of us are too worried about being judged? I don’t know, but I do know that the blogger mums I have chatted to have been the nicest and warmest I’ve *met* yet! x #brillblogposts

  26. […] pick was  Is Making Mummy Worse Than Dating?  “because I can totally relate and I agree that mums should try and make an effort at baby […]

  27. Totally love this post! You’re so right it can be really hard making mum friends, it really does feel like trying to pick up on a guy haha. I struggled with baby classes as I wasn’t sure what to say, I’m not very “mumsy” all I wanted to do was ask them if they wanted to go to lunch and have some Proseccol with me! Thanks for sharing with #stayclassymama!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *