Isn’t it funny? I want to post this but I don’t feel I can. I worry about who might read and what they might think. I worry it will affect any goals I have personally and professionally and I worry that people will judge me. Yet again CP wins. But I need to overcome this. I’m doing a lot better in life and I’m overcoming Chronic Pain. I wanted to share this to help those suffering too. Consider it published!!!
Dear Chronic Pain
I’ve had enough now… I ignore you, but you keep coming back! You’re like a stalker, but I can’t get a restraining order for you. I can’t get you ‘put away’… you’re just there. I’m broken.
You don’t just give me pain, you’ve changed me as a person. I feel like a shell of my old self. Not only are you a stalker, you’re a thief! you’ve taken my confidence, my independence and most of my happiness. You make me feel worthless. The one thing you will never take is the love I have for my family. Whilst I have them, you will not stop me trying to get rid of you.
CP, you have made me feel lower than low on many occasions. You have knocked me down but you haven’t knocked me out. You have made me question myself as a person, a wife and a mum. That is NOT OK!!!
I have lost friendships because of you. I’ve lost faith in my ability to be a good friend or a good anything. People see me as unreliable and flakey. That’s not how I want to be seen. You make me nervous when I’m out and when I’m speaking to people.
You make me anxious. When I’m anxious, you make me shake, hyperventilate and feel faint. I panic. My pain increases, even though nothing has happened. Why must you be so cruel?
You make me crazy. I go to hospital only to be sent home with clear test results. I feel like a crazy person, but I know I’m not. I feel that pain, it’s real, but how do you tell a doctor that when everything is clear. Why must you make me look so bad all the time. Why can’t you just give me a break?
I feel broken right now, but I will mend those pieces and I’ll stick them together so securely they will never break again. You won’t win! I’m strong and I will beat you.
I’m a good person and I will be the happy bubbly person I once was. I will stop looking like a freak to the outside world. I am a good Mum and you will never affect that, CP. I’m building and working towards my goal. I am doing a lot better than I was years ago and I can honestly say I am winning. I’m working, I’m active, I’m independent and I’m meeting my goals. I will reach my goals and exceed them. You will not bring me down anymore.
You think you can pop up at the most unexpected times, but I will crush you… every time! I will put you away… I am Done! Go away and never come back!
Yours in defiance,