Last week wasn’t a good week for me. It felt like the harder I tried, the more resistance was being put up by the world around me. This led to me feeling particularly low at the end of the week. I wanted to document this as I feel it’s important to acknowledge the bad as well as the good.
As you may have read in my anxiety post, I see my writing as a way of de-stressing and releasing my thoughts. It’s certainly a lot easier to write about nice things, but not so easy to share the more emotional things that happen in a week. This week was a little more than just anxiety for me. I have high standards for myself and although I know I should make them more realistic, I feel that I should always be functioning on a high level.
During my CBT therapy, last year, I discovered I suffer from perfectionism. Perfectionism is perceived as being a positive and good thing to be, but in practice is quite the opposite! This link explains all about perfectionism as a condition. I struggle to even start tasks as I fear not finishing them, or not finishing them to a high standard. This results in things not getting done and my to-do list growing daily and becoming unrealistic. I expect too much from myself and not only does this present itself physically by holding me back, it also holds me back mentally and causes terrible low mood. This is especially hard when you are also suffering with physical ailments, as I have been with my kidney.
Thanks to an amazing therapist I worked with last year, I now manage to catch myself during these low periods and rather than allowing them to spiral further. I’ve managed to pick myself up and make the most out of what I have been given for that day/ week. Last week was particularly bad for me due to pain, worry over close family and wishing I had more confidence in myself to go for a job I wanted more than anything. I finished the week feeling pretty worthless and down. Motivation is nil and I can’t see any way out of it sometimes.
I’m writing this as I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that feels like this. I’m not the only one that is battling perfectionism. I feel like it holds me back from doing what I want to do for fear of letting others down. Those of you who feel like I do, shouldn’t feel like you’re worthless though. There is a way out of this low and although now is probably not the best time for me to go into detail, I’d be keen to know if others would like to hear more about this condition (please comment on this post if you’re keen). It’s very real, and please do read all of the PDF’s on the link above. Sometimes it’s nice to know there’s a reason behind a very real feeling madness 🙂