Reflecting and Refocusing after Loss

I lost one of my longest and best friends to cancer last week. It was a huge shock as she didn’t tell anyone other than close family… I’m heartbroken at the loss. She meant so much to me and it was just a couple of weeks ago she messaged me with a picture of her granddaughter and we were talking about meeting up. She had told me she was ‘ill’ but I had no idea how ill.

Shock

We hadn’t seen each other for many years but, we kept in contact via Facebook messenger and Whatsapp. I guess I thought that if it was anything awful, she would tell me. With hindsight, this wasn’t her style. She wouldn’t have wanted me to worry. Especially as, despite being my best friend, she was also like a mother figure to me. She was forever looking out for me, right up until the end.

Dealing with feelings

I’ve found it really tough the past week or so to control my feelings. Some days I feel completely numb and unable to cry at all. These days are awful, as I feel like a terrible friend for being so emotionless. Other days I’m filled full of emotion and the slightest thing sets me off.

We had so many amazing memories together. We were both a big part in each others weddings and we supported each other emotionally on many an occasion. Both of us were knon to each others family and since her passing, I realised how much I meant to her through her family.

We regularly told each other we loved and missed each other. There was nothing but real love there and for this I will be eternally grateful.

Reflection

I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my own life, since her passing. It really puts things in perspective when you lose someone so close. She was the youngest of seven children and also survived by her mother. Completely heartbreaking!

I’m struggling at the moment and it’s important to heal properly. I’ve taken some time for myself, but not as much as I would like. Life is too short not to make the most of things, but I’m determined to make the most of my time on this earth.

Refocusing

I’ve done so much reflecting and I will continue to do so, but the main 5 things that have really stood out for me are:

1. Get rid of the negative people and influences in your life. You’re worth more than that and they only bring you down. They will suck the joy from your world and leave you questioning yourself and your abilities. Be the best you!
2. Make the most of today! Go out and see your friends, insist on it if you have to. You never know what life has in store. So, if you have an opportunity, grab it. Laugh, cry, hug and cherish every moment you have together.
3. Slow down and take life in. The world we live in is so fast paced. Take time to enjoy the moment. Reflect on your day and time with your loved ones. Don’t try and cram everything in – learn to say no.
4. Follow through on intentions. I can’t help but think that if I had followed up on our intentions to meet, I wouldn’t be filled with so much regret. Punching her postcode into my satnav on the day of her wake left me sad and angry. She was just 21 minutes away… 21!!!
5. Always tell the ones you love how much they mean to you. I’m grateful that me and my friend were so open like this. She knew I loved her and cared for her and vice versa. I may not have had the chance to see her before she died, but we both knew how special we were to each other!

Forever in my heart

I love you, Laurel and I will miss you forever. You were such a wonderful friend and an example to everyone out there. You were kind, funny and smiled alway, even when you were sad. You were fierce and loved your family so much. You taught me so much in life and I’m proud to have called you my friend. Sleep tight my angel… Forever love… Your Little La La xx